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To The People Who Told Me I Didn’t ‘Look’ Depressed

By / August 26, 2017
Meiying Ng

When you think of someone who has a mental illness, what comes to mind? Is she well-groomed and stylish? Disheveled and dirty?

How we look often gives people an impression about our health, and its a common misconception that to have a mental illness, one must be unkempt.

I remember my first time visiting a counselor. I was in my second year of college and had just been caught by my best friend with cuts all along my arms. I admitted I was having suicidal thoughts and my friend was scared for me. I didnt know at the time, but I was experiencing a major depressive episode.

I didnt even know what depression was then. I was 18, living away from home at a university that had once been fun, in a program I once enjoyed, but all of that had fallen away. I hated everyone there. I didnt understand how everyone could party so much. I didnt get how my roommates were so messy. I couldnt keep up with the demanding reading schedule of my classes, and I was struggling with a long-distance relationship. No wonder I was feeling depressed. Some people couldve dealt with the pressure of that life. Some people couldve adapted. But what Ive learned, after 10 years with my mental illness, is that I dont handle stress well. Stress aggravates my condition, which interferes with my sleep, and as soon as Im not sleeping, I know my mental health will quickly move downhill.

So my friend, being the smart cookie she is, forced me into university counseling services the next day for an emergency appointment.

Oddly, I remember exactly what I wore that day. I paired my jeans with a fuchsia pink lace cardigan (that covered the cuts) with a matching fuchsia camisole underneath. I had never seen a counselor before in my life, and I was shocked when she pointed out my outfit.

Well, youre dressed nicely today. You dont look like youre struggling.

Oh, Im sorry, should I have shown up in pajamas with greasy hair and body odor? Is that what we think a person experiencing mental illness looks like? How was I supposed to look?

And it wouldnt be the only time this happened to me.

Many years later, I was familiar with the mental health system and had seen various psychiatrists and psychologists. I had already been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and experiencing another depressive episode, but also dealing with extreme panic attacks. Once, I melted down in a grocery store on an errand to buy napkins for my mother. There were simply too many choices and my heart started racing, I couldnt breathe, and the aisles were closing in on me. The cacophony of the store was overwhelming and the lights were too bright. I dont even remember if I bought napkins in the end or if I just ran out of the store. I had also lost the ability to order food in a restaurant. Whenever I went out for dinner with my then-boyfriend, now-husband, I just ordered whatever he did.

I was incapacitated by anxiety. Coupled with the crippling depression and suicidal thoughts, the only thing I could think to do was admit myself into a hospital. When I spoke with the admitting psychiatrist who had dealt with my case, he said, You dont look like you have anxiety.

How was I supposed to look in that moment? The anxiety had passed. Should I be crying? Panting? Suffocating, like I had been in the grocery store? I was severely depressed, but I wasnt in the middle of a panic attack. In a few words, this doctor dismissed me based on how I presented myself to him in that moment. He made me feel like sh*t. He made me feel like I was pretending to have severe anxiety (because being admitted into the hospital was something someone did for fun!).

Over the years, I have realized that I use clothes and makeup as armor to protect myself from the assuming eyes of doctors and society. When Im in the depths of depression or dealing with severe anxiety, I ensure that I am well put together with a face full of makeup so no one knows how Im really feeling.

Except maybe this works too well if even doctors dont believe me when Im asking for help. Its like they expect a neon sign blinking above my head saying: She is experiencing bipolar depression. She is having extreme panic attacks. Or they expect me to show up un-showered in sweats and matted hair. Thats just not me.

Every day we make assumptions about people based on what theyre wearing. But people, and especially doctors, need to remember that theres no look to mental illness. Anyone can have depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, borderline personal disorder or whatever else. Just because I dont look sick, doesnt mean that I dont have a mental illness.

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